My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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