I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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