i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
