Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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