I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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