She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
