What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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