haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
