The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
