My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
