You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
