Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
