I seem to have left my pride at pride
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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