Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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