hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
