This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
