dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
