I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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