Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
