I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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