Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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