If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
