Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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