if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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