I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
