I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
