My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
