So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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