Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
