I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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