need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
