A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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