I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
