did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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