I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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