I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You are a genius and a whore.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
