If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
