my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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