dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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