I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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