omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
