dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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