Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
