So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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