i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
