I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
