I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
