I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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