Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i will never coherently bang her
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
