i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
