he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
